A Dollar Out of Fifteen Cents

I remember vividly the first time I took X.  I had been a regular figure in the party and club scene for several years already, but had never actually rolled. I had appreciated the fast lifestyle and all that brought.  Through the power of manifestation, I had turned my desire to ‘live life’ into my own party lifestyle that created, or more appropriately, faded, many memories.  I enjoyed the excitement, the endless women, and the popularity, but more so the escape from my own reality. I was a depressed and broke college kid suffering from PTSD from at that time a lifetime of abuse, neglect, chaos, and perilous situations.  Through a lifetime of decision making that centered around reckless abandon and the willingness to die young, but pretty, as many friends had already done, I took that ‘live life’ mindset to the next level.  

I was home for winter break from college and a friend of mine from grade school named Bernie was bouncing at Have a Nice Day Cafe in Cleveland’s ‘Flats’ district on the East Bank. I had partied with him quite a bit in college, as well, as he went to the same college I did and I would sometimes buy weed from his roommate.  It was around midnight and I was just with my friend Josh on a random night out. Josh never touched booze or drugs due to medical problems, and was very willing to be the DD for me. As a thank you, I would normally hook him up with whatever friend the girl of that night had with them. I literally got him laid weekly.  I ran into Bernie and he asked me if I wanted any X. I had never done X at this point, but was very open to the idea. I enjoyed coke, LSD, meth, and shrooms, so this seemed like a great idea at the time. Bernie gave me a ‘bean’ (one of the terms we used). No idea where he got it, but I trusted him.  I popped the X shortly after midnight, and continued to do my thing in the club. Being a slower night at the club, Josh wanted to bail earlier than normal. We left around 12:30, much to my objection, but Josh was driving and bored. My X hadn’t kicked in yet. I lived maybe 15 minutes from downtown, so by the time I got home, which was at my mom’s house for winter break, it wasn’t that late yet for club purposes, but being in a suburban home with thin walls I was at a loss on what to do to fully appreciate my roll. The X had slowly started to present itself to me. If the weather were warmer I could go outside, but it was the snow belt in the middle of the winter.  I had my stereo at college, so downstairs didn’t have my music set up.  I didn’t know what to expect, or for how long, but I did know that when I would do acid or shrooms I didn’t mind being lost in my head because of the thoughts that would produce. I figured I’d play it by ear, but start off in my bedroom. Within minutes I started vividly hearing House and Trance music in my head– almost as if I was at a rave. I didn’t want to dance around, as that never really did it for me. I am more experiential, so I laid on the bed and just had a rave in my head for several hours. The lights were off. I was in my sleeping clothes. I just laid there and ran with the euphoric feeling.  It was possibly the best ‘roll’ I had had with X ever, but the first time is normally the most memorable.  The fact that I did that on my own, in bed, without company is pretty wild. Some people would call that a ‘drug problem’, however I used it to open my eyes to a different level of partying. Over the next year or two I rolled pretty regularly, but from that point on always with a group that was committed to enjoying the ride with me.  

Although I was alway financially broke, I normally surrounded myself with people who were at the level I wanted to be at, whether it was socially, opportunity-wise, or similar success I sought in whatever was at hand. I didn’t live vicariously, as I was an active participant. I would oftentimes sneak myself into those situations– literally, or on the coattails of someone I was already associated with. I knew what I wanted and knew how to get it.  Through repetition and adoption of those characteristics I would observe from those situations and lifestyles I quickly learned how to ‘live the life’.  The crazy thing is I never had the financial means to do those on my own, but because I would somehow progress to the embodiment of those circles, along with my ‘live life’ attitude, contagious charisma, reputation, and my way with the women, I was always welcomed.  I even got my drugs normally for free. This blows people’s minds. How can someone who didn’t even afford to have their own vehicle until they were 21, which was a 120,000 mile compact piece of shit of a vehicle literally given to me, be rubbing elbows with models, prom queens, the bad girls, and quite often the hottest girl in the room?  The secret sauce was to manifest to be that dude. And I became very good at it. I wanted to take advantage of every moment because I didn’t know if I’d get that moment back. 

My sense of rejection didn’t exist. I grew up with very little blessings. I was often the poorest kid in the classroom. I had a single mother from a working class immigrant background who received no child support from a terrible role model of a dad (who has since changed quite a bit for the better). I felt unwanted as a child. I was physically and sexually abused.  My sense of self-worth was minimal to the point where I felt like a burden. However, I didn’t want to let that adversity define my life. I didn’t dream of a better life, but rather just assumed I would paint my own destiny. I chose to use my adversity as a catapult instead of a crutch.  What was the worst that would happen to me? Was I going to get a beating that I had experienced countless times before? Was I going to hear ‘no’ for the millionth time? Was I going to end up dead, which was already a possibility from my own decision making? That would be the easy way out versus what I had already experienced. The contrary was a high ceiling for me. What was the worst that could happen to me?  Low risk, high reward.  

Almost every door that I opened for myself was the result of me sneaking in, and then becoming someone seated at the actual VIP table.  From there I would let my charisma take over. I was funny, good looking, and gregarious. People were always drawn to me.  I also carried an outsider vibe, probably because I was a legitimate outsider in pretty much every instance I found myself in.  For these reasons people were drawn to me. I looked at things differently. I saw many people dance to the same song differently over the years.  I would use this confidence and position myself to be at the table. I would see my opportunity and take it without hesitation.  ‘You see that girl over there….’ Boom! I’m already talking to her.  ‘You see that (insert athlete/celebrity/icon of some sort) over there…’ Boom, I’m already in the vicinity and opening up a conversation. 

My approach was never praise, compliment, or flatter. I kept it real. I would use my humor or my situational awareness to get the ball rolling and seize the moment.  Putting myself into these situations time and time again would create its own opportunities for me.  VIP service. Hooking up with the hottie.  Drinks and memories with famous people. It just happens when you are already on the floor, or in that seat next to them at their request. And because I lacked the years and years of background in those social circles, my approach comes across as very authentic and raw, since I literally don’t know what I don’t know.  

I don’t know which part of my reputation preceded me most.  I was incredibly popular and well versed in most party situations. I knew a ton of people, so everywhere I go I tend to know people, still to this day.  I also have an incredible reputation with the women, so that would garner the women’s interest simply out of recognition, let alone my game.  I literally have had my own groupies over the years. It was like being a celebrity.  

My confidence with women is created by its own sadness. I was molested as a young child, so my self-worth became limited to that of a sexualized object when most kids are just learning to read or write. Not having anyone to confide in, and also experiencing quite a bit of bullying and physical abuse, I had a really low self-image. I was a good looking and charismatic kid though, so the attention came at me regularly.  I feel that also caused me to grow up quickly in my own skin. As a result, I sought the older girls, who did what older girls do at whatever ages.  The interest came at me regularly and heavily. I had the girls throwing themselves at me. I would reject almost all of them, since I was guarded and didn’t think I was worth the good ones I pursued, plus with all the attention I had I was waiting for the perfect match, which was obviously non-existent for someone with so much baggage.  My rejections of 99% of the audience created even more interest. It allowed me to make the ones i actually pursued feel they were special.     

When I was in middle school, my dad, who had now sobered up and became a pretty good role model for me, would bring us on a summer vacation for his birthday annually to a beach getaway. We’d travel National Lampoons’ style with my brothers, dad, and stepmom.  During the day I would play beach blanket bingo and just go up and down the beach stopping at each towel set of chicks and small talk with them. This is me at 13 years old until 18 years old.  I would ask what time it was, if they had a cigarette, what they were up to, whatever. I would approach groups of chicks, chicks with their parents or families, chicks by themself— I didn’t care. I openly snuck myself in.  I quickly built up my confidence, my game, and got over any fear of rejection.  I had college aged chicks giving me cigarettes and talking with me when I was 13 years old. Just some random, well built and attractive vagabond kid poaching smokes and spitting game.  I got good at it.  My dad also contributed to this by allowing me to just wander on my own most of the time, often just giving me $5 and some condoms— at 16, 17 years old. I also had a fake ID by this point, so I would buy some cheap ass beer and do my thing.  I would come back with stories about my exploits and frequent hook-ups from those experiences. I quite frequently had pictures to show who I was hooking up with, as well. I brought this confidence to my local scene, and the confidence grew from there.

I didn’t just keep this attitude and confidence and approach to the social circuit and circles. I brought it with me to professional circles as well, which has been a blessing and curse. Swap out a party boy mentality and replace it with professional best practices, but the same swagger or BDE.   I quickly become the life of the party or lunch room, but also tend to alienate people who are jealous or don’t like outgoing personalities.  I can be a lot to handle.  

My social successes have been through a process of manifestation and paying attention and implementing best practices.  I would discover what I wanted, pursue that with full passion and without fear of rejection, and then practice it until mastery. Wash rinse repeat.