My story is not a happy story in the first several chapters of my life. To say my upbringing was both traumatic and chaotic would be an understatement. Insert your description of what makes up an unfortunate and sad upbringing and I fit that bill. This led me to cope by finding any way and reason to escape the pain. Avoiding being at home, seeking thrills, substance abuse to the point of black outs, extreme levels of promiscuity, pretty much any kind of anything done at extreme levels to get my mind off of my pain– I did it, and I got good at it. And I started this behavior young, as in 11-12 years old young, although the trauma and chaos was with me since as long as I can remember. And I told no one, and asked for no help. It was me versus the world, it seemed, since all my offenders in every sense were in positions of power or authority over me. I felt unsafe and unprotected.
I ran away a few times during the adolescent and teen-aged chapter of life. Literally ran away from home. One time for several days, where I stayed at my friend’s house after fleeing my brother kicking the shit out of me at 10pm on a school night in the middle of a below freezing night in January during a particularly cold winter. I ran to my friend’s house about 4 miles away in just shorts and a tank top, while barefoot, in the snow and ice. I was a wrestler, so my athletic conditioning was excellent, but I’m surprised I didn’t succumb to the weather’s exposure. “I just started running”, as Forrest Gump would say. I remember knocking on my friend’s bedroom window (in his basement) and his mom’s head popping up, and then letting me in. They were Russian immigrants and his parents didn’t speak English well, so no questions were asked, and I just stayed there (and felt protected) for several days. My friend was pretty much an unofficial high school drop out by then, so he would simply start the day at school, come back shortly after the morning bell with my girlfriend at the time and whichever of her friends, and we’d hang out all day. When I finally did get home and get back to school I was suspended for a few days for truancy, even though I argued it was nuanced truancy. I didn’t tell the school why I ran away, just that I ran away.
And I was also great at hiding the pain through my smile, charisma, popularity, and laughter, all the time I was dying inside, and was uncertain if I’d ever make it to the next chapter. My inner circle of friends were aware of this, and even tried an intervention once when I was feeling especially down and had implied ending it to escape the pain. I was publicly beaten daily by my older brother and his friends, and nothing was sacred to escape the physical abuse. On a family vacation in the middle of a restaurant parking lot. On vacation in front of hotel guests. In front of chicks I was macking on. I’d have friends over and get sucker punched randomly in the face while playing Nintendo. I’d be asleep and get sucker punched when my brother would come into my room and drop a bomb into my face to awaken me. I was pissing blood once for a few days– which freaked out classmates when the urinal at school was covered in blood. I had my jar ‘possibly’ broken on at least 2 separate occasions. It was constant and relentless. My brother literally kicked my front teeth out for wearing his shoes to a court appearance and not asking him for permission. That was done with the violence and intent you’d give someone in a bar fight. I literally got my ass kicked every fucking day starting around 1st or 2nd grade through my Senior year of high school. Every. Fucking. Day. It was as common for me as brushing my teeth. Whatever pain my brother was dealing with he took it out on me daily, almost like beating me was his therapy. One time in high school, my friend Shanna said to me in a social setting that she “couldn’t imagine someone like me being unhappy”, and the 2 friends who sincerely tried to be there for me just looked at me wide eyed, acknowledging silently that ‘if only she knew’.
The way I often escaped was through music. I have always had a passion for music, and found a source of empathy in song lyrics. I’ve recently reflected on some of the songs that stood out to me, particularly in my teen years where I was really struggling with this baggage, and the constant feed of continual abuse and neglect that continued to pile on to me. The songs below are what I found meaning in.
Close My Eyes Forever- Lita Ford and Ozzie – The idea of ‘closing my eyes forever’ seemed like a way to escape the pain I was in.
“If I close my eyes forever
Would it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Would it all remain the same?”
Runaway Train- Soul Asylum It was incredibly painful to listen to this song, and this brought me to tears on numerous occasions. The message was just so powerful to me about escaping the pain I was in.
“So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really lead myself astray
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life’s mysteries seem so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am, just drowning in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train”
Closer – Nine Inch Nails- Finding an escape from my neglect and sexual abuse was achieved by extreme levels of promiscuity and reckless actions. The song repeatedly says “Help me”, which is exactly what this song meant to me. ‘Rage-fucking’ was my way of esaping. This became an addiction for me. I needed to feel the affection as much as I needed to escape the pain from physical abuse and neglect.
The reputation of my prowess gave me an identity. I was good at it. It was a game to me– how and where. Bathrooms, behind the garage, stairwells, public, the back seats of cars— all those were my playground. My friends referred to it as ‘sport-fucking’ for me. It allowed me to feel connected for that encounter, and empowered me to have a meaning for that instance. This was pretty much every time I was out, and normally wherever I went I was able to hook up, or get a plan in action for later that week. I didn’t feel I deserved the love of someone, but I did feel that I could at least find pleasure (and fool myself into thinking I’d have a future) in what those experiences brought me.
“You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
I broke apart my insides
(Help me) I’ve got no soul to sell
(Help me) the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything…”
Prison Sex- Tool It was only recently that I realized why I was drawn to this song. I knew the lyrics were dark and about pain, but the message on stopping the cycle of sexual abuse I just recently discovered and this hit home. I stumbled across a video of ‘therapist analyzes Tool’s Prison Sex’ on Youtube and it was almost like I was meant to go down that rabbit hole of an algorithm to get there. This sexual abuse baggage has been a major pain point for me, buried under layers of promiscuity, pain, and minimal self worth. My behavior of extreme promiscuity and wild sexual behavior was the result, more so how I coped, without understanding I was the victim and the abuse I suffered from. That shaped me unfortunately in an extremely reckless way, and was not my fault. Sexual abuse fucks you up.
This song speaks to the damage I endured, and the necessity to be the one who ends the cycle of abuse. I am a victim, but that won’t define my future.
“It took so long to remember just what happened
I was so young and vestal then
You know it hurt me
But I’m breathing so I guess I’m still alive
Even if signs seem to tell me otherwise…”
The Mountains Win Again- Blues Traveller I got so good at hiding the pain. When I heard the first few lines of this song it spoke to me. Although the song is about overcoming pain, the lyrics spoke to how I felt, simply drowning in pain that no one knew I was dealing with.
“I pick up my smile
Put it in my pocket
Hold it for a while
Try not to have to drop it
Men are not to cry
So how am I to stop it?
Keep it all inside
Don’t show how much she rocked ya”
Home Sweet Home- Motley Crue- granted this song came out when I was only 6 years old, but this is when my life was most traumatic, and I was dealing with abuse on multiple fronts, as well as extreme volatility with the family dynamics, a sense of poverty, and constant moving of residences. I lost my innocence so young. I lacked any sense of stability, support, and protection. I began having thoughts of escape, death to escape the pain, and an understanding of neglect at this age. I just wanted someone to miss me and want me there. I wanted to feel belonging, which just wasn’t happening. I just wanted to feel loved and protected. This went unanswered.
“…Just take this song
And you’ll never feel left all alone…”
Change- Blind Melon- The idea of starting over, more so getting away and then starting over, resonated with this song. The sadness it represents, but also the optimism about better things awaiting if I can get just get away and make it tomorrow
“I don’t feel the sun’s comin’ out today
It’s stayin’ in, it’s gonna find another way, yeah
As I sit here in this misery
I don’t think I’ll ever know, Lord
See the sun from here..”
“When you feel life ain’t worth living
You’ve got to stand up
Take a look around, look up way to the sky
And when your deepest thoughts are broken
Keep on dreamin’ boy, ’cause when you stop dreamin’ it’s time to die”
Say Hello to Heaven- Temple of the Dog- My grandfather was suffering incredibly and had a terrible demise with cancer, and this song resonated in how I just wanted the suffering to end, and how hopeless I felt not being able to help him. He was a father figure to me through most of my life at this point, and to watch him slowly and painfully succumb to cancer crushed me and my older brother, who both responded with substance abuse and in his case beating the shit out of me daily, and in my case extremely rebellious behavior of not giving a fuck. I was watching my ‘father’ die daily and it devastated me. I needed help and someone to talk to, but all I had was this song.
“I never wanted
To write these words down for you
With the pages of phrases
Of all the things we’ll never do…”
Mama I’m Coming Home- Ozzie- This song represents the extremely volatile relationship with my older brother, who was leaving for college, as well as my regret for not having a normal older brother/younger brother relationship with him, after seeing my friends’ normal/healthy relationships with their older brothers. This song was particularly painful to listen to, but I was drawn to it. Even through all the abuse, when my older brother was leaving for college, this song represented me losing arguably the only person who was there WITH me, not there FOR me, but he was still there (granted, probably pummeling me).
“Times go bye, seems to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, I’m coming home”
Don’t Close Your Eyes- Kix – The pain I was feeling was so overwhelming, and this song acknowledged how emotionally unstable and vulnerable I felt, and what I feared would be my outcome. It normalized suicide to me. Not that I wanted to do so, but that it was an option. I always felt my pain was only a chapter of life, and I’d be OK on the other side. Hoever, going through it daily, every fucking day, I just wanted someone to protect me and save me from the pain and abuse, and I wasn’t getting that.
“…Your mama can’t solve your problems
When’s daddy ever gonna get home
So you did your little move and cried
In the middle of a suicide…”
A Dollar Out of Fifteen Cents 