I was just trying to make weight. I’ve been saying this all along, that I am approaching my liver recovery journey with the wrestling mindset of, “I need to make weight.” This started literally 6 months ago to the day. I was told I had early cirrhosis of the liver at age 45 that was already an F3 grade with the scarring already starting, and starting to bridge to other segments of scarring. I also had extremely severe fat inundation of the liver that was 83% saturated– literally my liver was filled with fat at a pretty severe S3 level. The liver inflammation was also way off, with an ALT score nearly double what it should be. The medical professionals told me that my only hope was to lose weight and eliminate the factors causing the inflammation, which may give me a chance to reverse the liver scarring. I took that challenge with the understanding that I want to live. As it was 6 months ago, my life expectancy was already shortened, and there was a likelihood that I wouldn’t live to be 60 if this doesn’t improve.
Instead of giving up, I decided to fight this liver diagnosis and win. I’ve been fighting for things my whole life. People have complimented me on my grit and resilience. My therapist told me that there was a 70% chance my upbringing would have killed me. Most people who experienced the trauma I experienced while a child wouldn’t live through it via overdose or suicide or some kind of reckless accident. I beat those odds. I moved out of my home at age 18 and really never looked back– spending as much time as possible away from home, whether it was going 2 hours away to college, or 1,200 miles away after graduating and moving down to Texas to escape my family and chaos. I had no financial safety net at all, and actually had all my savings already spent within the first 3 months of moving to Texas and doing student teaching at that time, which is a non-paying internship for 4 months. I had to get a side hustle,which I did. I worked at a gym as a trainer and assistant manager for 30 hours a week— while teaching full time in a high school. Then I went to graduate school, which was self funded by loans after liquidating all my income. Life sucked. Life was hard. I was working 80-90 hour weeks between my education career, which was quickly expanding, and either graduate school for 2 separate Masters programs, or some other side hustle. I did it. I not only lived through that, but I grew because of that. That was really hard, really stressful, and oftentimes really deflating with the stress and financial hardship I endured. It sucked. It really sucked. But no one was going to bail me out, and it was my story to write and live. I decided to transform my life and create someone I was proud to be. I did that. And then that was taken from me by school politics. I literally went from a life I put everything in that was making me proud to live and forced to start a new career with less than 30 days notice. I survived that, and that was equally as challenging.
No way I lived through all that bullshit, chaos, and drama, to let my liver kill me. I know I spent decades, literally 30-35 years destroying that organ. Putting countless substances, supplements, drugs, alcohol, stress, pollution, and a food addiction all into my liver had finally caught up with me. And the crazy thing is there weren’t even any obvious symptoms that something was wrong besides my blood work I had that showed liver inflammation I had done, and have been doing, since I try and take care of my health. I had known since my early 20s that I had liver inflammation, but always assumed I had time on my side. On a whim I decided to finally go see a hepatologist and see what shape my liver was in, and I’m glad I did. However, before I could actually get any imaging done, I had to get my fucking spine fused for the 2nd time in 15 years because my health has been unkind to me, so prioritizing my liver took a back seat to the grade 8 and 9 sciatic pain and eventual surgery. Then Covid. Twice. As a result, I kept pushing the liver imaging and testing out. When I finally had the time to prioritize the liver I got this diagnosis. In a perfect world, none of the chaos I’ve endured would have happened, but it did. In a better world, I would have started looking into my liver health at the first signs of danger in my mid-20s, 20 years earlier, but I assumed time was on my side and I wasn’t ready to commit to any lifestyles changes that would interfere with my swinging dick and party boy mentality– all self destructive behaviors I leaned on to ease the PTSD I had from my youth. My life has not treated me well, and life has been really fucked up. It is what it is, but it’s my cross to bear if I want to continue to tell this story and not be dead by 60, with a lessened quality of life starting probably within 5 years from now. Here I am. Show up or die. Give me the ball, coach.
I was initially overwhelmed with the cirrhosis news. No one is prepared to hear they have a terminal illness that will kill them. I knew I needed to get my head around this. I had already been seeing 2 separate therapists, and leaned on both of them for help. Talking through the predicament, whether it was my own interests, or the shared interest with my significant other, was absolutely needing the help of a professional. I had coincidentally been suggested to read more about Stoicism by a work colleague when I was asking for book suggestions, and I’m glad I did. I read the book ‘Meditations’ twice. It taught me to accept my situation as part of life, and if it kills me, which it might, I need to live each day one day at a time. I couldn’t worry about what was going to happen, since death was inevitable, whether it is cirrhosis, or something else, death will eventually come my way. It’s up to me, though, to determine how I want to spend those days until that happens. I also revisited my faith and put an emphasis on reaching out to a higher power with very targeted prayer asking for help and strength a few times a day, which feels meditative. I implemented breathing techniques, which has honestly been my biggest challenge, since I am always trying to accomplish things throughout the day and struggle to find the time to simply breath. In summary, I needed to get my head to the point of acceptance of my situation, which I did.
I knew I needed a game plan, as well. I was told the only thing I could do is lose weight and lose body fat, which may give me a fighting chance of reversing this. 10% of my body weight was the target. The night of my diagnosis I literally went through my pantry, fridge, and medicine cabinet and got rid of almost everything I had to consume, whether it was food or supplements. I stopped cold turkey on everything it seemed like. If you think I’m kidding or exaggerating, I’m not. I lost 17 pounds that first month– mostly because I didn’t know what I could eat, so I didn’t eat much. My caloric intake went from probably around 4,000 calories of a day of binge eating, grazing, and food addiction to under 1,500 calories a day immediately. My energy level was completely depleted. There were times I felt like I was going to faint by simply taking the trash out to the dumpster. I worked with a dietician on a meal plan and implemented that obsessively. I took counting macros and calories as a do or die mentality. I also eliminated everything I was putting into or on my body– cologne, deodorant, most soaps, hand cream, Vicks, allergy meds, vitamins, all pain meds— literally everything not absolutely necessary was stopped. Keep in mind, I was just coming off of both a major back surgery and Covid, so this was very challenging. Plus, I love food. Stopping the booze and weed wasn’t that hard, but stopping the food, when my Facebook thread, commercials, food customs, and the fact that I live in the top foodie city in the US proved to be, and still is, my biggest temptation. I am craving my old food options, but I need to make weight or die. I created a food point scale and put that on my fridge door to remind me to stay disciplined on my diet every time I go to the fridge. I knew I needed the discipline of a wrestler trying to cut weight to allow me to live.
I was just coming off of having 3 vertebrae fused in my lower back literally 5 months prior to this, and was just becoming able to go back to a somewhat normal cardio routine for the first time in about 6 years do to my back, and also my neck injury, which is actually just as bad as my back and still needs to be repaired. I am a former athlete and personal trainer who ballooned up to the mid-270s, when my normal weight should be around 200. I couldn’t start doing some kind of exercise fast enough, and this was so frustrating for me. I was disgusted with my body and appearance. My liver prognosis suggested that losing the weight and getting my body fat back down to something decent would help me tremendously. I bought a fancy scale that also measures my body fat, water weight, and all the bells and whistles, and approached my weight loss plan like I was my own client as a personal trainer. I decided to be my own best client. I implemented weekly weigh-ins and measurements of my body fat, weight, and so forth, and tracked that with both a chart and a data table. I knew the discipline of working out every day wouldn’t be an issue, as I’ve been waiting for the chance to get back to working out for many many years. I added push ups, dumb bells, and some other workout routines to my daily routine.
I was determined to control what I could on this journey, and my diet and weight loss were in my control. The regular data points would keep me motivated, especially if I was seeing results. I was determined to win this fight. After 30 days I had lost 17 lbs. I knew that losing weight too quickly can actually speed up the scarring, but I also knew I was in very bad shape and that was a risk I was willing to take to get to that 10% goal as fast as possible. After 60 days I had lost 30 lbs and about 6% body fat. I was down 3 bowling balls, and was starting to feel better. I had my blood work redone, and was back to healthy levels of liver enzymes for the first time in who knows how long, suggesting the liver inflammation was gone. I had hit the 10% weight loss target in 2 months. I was losing weight too quickly, and worried that this would be detrimental to my liver recovery, so I started eating more, bumping my calories up to 2,000 a day. After 90 days I was down over 40 pounds, or 4 bowling balls. I was feeling much better, and was finally fitting in clothes I was wearing 8 years earlier. After 4 months I was done 47 pounds and wanted to actually slow the weight loss down considerably, so I bumped my calories up to 2,500 a day. The energy level was returning. I was feeling better in every category. I got my blood work done again, and the results were once again at healthy levels, suggesting no liver inflammation. At 5 months I was down about 50 pounds– 5 bowling balls. That is incredible. I was now fitting in clothes I hadn’t worn in over 10 years. My body fat was down about 10%. Because of working out and dieting, the vast majority of the weight I have been losing has been fat weight, so I feel much more confident.
At the 6 month mark I had my next liver testing appointment. Not sure what to expect. By this time, my weight was down almost 18%, far beyond the 10% that was suggested, my body fat was down considerably, my blood tests have shown no added inflammation to the liver, and I was feeling much better. The doctor and staff were very impressed with my progress. My liver inflammation was basically gone. All that obsession about eliminating anything foreign to my liver paid off. For the fat and scarring test I was told that I may not get the results I’m expecting, since the liver takes a long time to heal, if at all, but the doctor was also hopeful based on my progress.
The liver fat test results came first. I was originally at 83% liver fat at my worst. I knew this improved based on all my work on the diet and weight loss and body transformation and regular measurements , but didn’t know what to expect. Would an improvement of 18% liver fat reduction (would put me at 65%) be realistic, since that was how much my weight was down? I determined that anything below 60% would be excellent, and anything below 65% would be acceptable in my mind. I tested this time at around 5% liver fat. My liver fat score went from the code red S3 down to S0, or no longer an issue, in 6 months. The work I put into my diet paid off. I am so proud of the success I have had on the diet and lifestyle changes. The doctor literally fist bumped me. This was cause for celebration and optimism on the scarring. He told me I could take my foot off the gas on the obsessive dieting and loosen up those restrictions a little.
The liver scarring was the last challenge we looked at. While the liver fat and liver inflammation were tied to things currently going on with my body that I have control over, the liver scarring is a result of what had been done over the prior 35 years of abuse and is based almost purely on momentum. The original score was a rating of F3 and 10.4 when I tested 6 months earlier. I was confident this improved, but wasn’t sure what a win would be. A score of 9.6 was the cut off to get to F2. My therapist suggested I hope for anything in the 9s and consider that a victory, since it takes a lot longer for scarring to heal. When the numbers came back, it showed an 11.8— I actually worsened 13% than 6 months prior. I was obviously disappointed in the results. The doctor explained to me that he hoped it was going to have improved a little, but also that I needed to look at the liver recovery like a piece of meat you take off a grill. That meat continues to cook even though it’s removed from the heat, and takes time to cool off. He said he thinks the score increase/worsening is tied to that momentum and my liver just needs time to catch up to the other recovery. Something else to consider is that I didn’t hit my 10% target weight until 4 months prior, but even then, I was losing weight way too quickly, which I was aware of. It really wasn’t until the last 2 months or so when my weight was at a steady/healthy pace. Was this the culprit for the increased score? This doctor is the same person who is tasked with telling people they are dying, etc.., so I don’t think he’d whitewash my liver prognosis. If he thinks it’s just the momentum still cooking, then it probably is. However, my mind goes elsewhere, to a much more dire outcome.
The doctor ordered an MRI and a follow up. We’ll see what that shows. At this point it is 1 of 3 things– the liver is still ‘cooking’ and simply needs to slow down and then it will assuredly improve, the problem is something much worse, like cancer, or I’m possibly still doing things to make it worse, like my whey protein supplement, too much caffeine, or something along those lines. I’m not excited about that MRI, as I may be looking at cancer or damage much worse than expected. With that in mind, I’m still very pleased with the progress I have made and the success I have had with the liver fat and enzymes/lack of inflammation. I need to appreciate that success, as that is what is in my control. What will happen is what will happen with the MRI, but that is out of my control. I need to remind myself that my goal was to make weight, and I made my weight.
A Dollar Out of Fifteen Cents 